Some jokes
Posted: January 23rd, 2005, 7:58 am
The Test
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in.. but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."
Would You Kill My Wife
A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was
her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make
$50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and
the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a
couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.
"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"
Bicycle Safety Violation Ticket
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic
light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop
says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that
to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year
tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety
violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides
off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did
Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah,
he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put
the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
The Gambler's Son
Little Johnny's dad was a retired gambler. Having picked up a
few of his old man's bad habits, Johnny wagered on anything and
everything, and he was good at it. Eventually, it became such a
problem, that Johnny's teacher called his father to discuss it.
After a long conversation, they decided to teach him a lesson.
One day after class Johnny approached his teacher. "You're not
really blonde," he said. "I've seen your bush and it's pitch
black, you dye your hair." "I most certainly do not," she
replied. "I bet you ten bucks you do," he said. She saw that
this was an opportunity to teach him a lesson, so she waited for
all the other children to leave the class and took off her
pants, showing him that her pubic hair was the same color as the
hair on her head. Johnny paid her the ten dollars and walked
sullenly out of the room.
A few hours later Johnny's teacher called his father. "I think I
finally taught him a lesson," she said. "The hell you have," his
father said angrily. "This morning he bet me $50 he'd see your
pussy before the end of the day."
Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by
cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could
live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go
to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So
all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten
apples." The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to
shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your
face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in.. but on the second one he winced out
in pain, so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the
king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this
should be easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the
ninth berry he burst out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one
asked, "Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The
second one replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy
coming with pineapples."
Would You Kill My Wife
A guy dials his home phone number from work. A strange woman answers.
The guy says, "Who is this?"
"This is the maid.", answered the woman.
"We don't have a maid!"
"I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house."
"Well, this is her husband. Is she there?"
"Ummm...she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I just figured was
her husband."
The guy is fuming. He says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make
$50,000?"
"What do I have to do?"
"I want you to get my gun from my desk in the den and shoot that witch and
the jerk she's with."
The maid puts down the phone. The guy hears footsteps, followed by a
couple of gunshots.
The maid comes back to the phone. "What should I do with the bodies?"
"Throw them in the swimming pool!"
"What?! There's no pool here?" Long pause.
"Uh.. is this 832-4821?"
Bicycle Safety Violation Ticket
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic
light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike. The cop
says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that
to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year
tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."
The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety
violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before he rides
off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did
Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah,
he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put
the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
The Gambler's Son
Little Johnny's dad was a retired gambler. Having picked up a
few of his old man's bad habits, Johnny wagered on anything and
everything, and he was good at it. Eventually, it became such a
problem, that Johnny's teacher called his father to discuss it.
After a long conversation, they decided to teach him a lesson.
One day after class Johnny approached his teacher. "You're not
really blonde," he said. "I've seen your bush and it's pitch
black, you dye your hair." "I most certainly do not," she
replied. "I bet you ten bucks you do," he said. She saw that
this was an opportunity to teach him a lesson, so she waited for
all the other children to leave the class and took off her
pants, showing him that her pubic hair was the same color as the
hair on her head. Johnny paid her the ten dollars and walked
sullenly out of the room.
A few hours later Johnny's teacher called his father. "I think I
finally taught him a lesson," she said. "The hell you have," his
father said angrily. "This morning he bet me $50 he'd see your
pussy before the end of the day."